15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile. 14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes. 9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile. 8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!" 4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. 3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.
Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.
Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.
Q : Why are clocks considered freaks? A : 'Cause they have three hands!
Mother : What seems to be the problem with you? You have been married three years and still no children. I had hopes of being a grandmother by now. Daughter : I just don't know, Mom! Billy tries all the time, it's just that I have a lot of trouble swallowing.
Q :What do a moped and a blonde have in common? A : They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
